Doc's Wicked Irish Witticisms!

Blog RSS Feed
Doc's Wicked Irish Witticisms!
Doc's Wicked Irish Witticisms!

Posted on Monday, March 26, 2018
Categories: Irish Humor

The Irish are known for having a witty way with words... as well as a particular propensity for partaking in life's luscious libations. That caustic combination inevitably leads to incomparable wit and wisdom. Goodness knows we love a good Irish Joke!!! Most all of them actually! So we've amassed an abundance of Irish insolence for the education and entertainment of those who share in the absolute appreciation of the same...

and because occasionally we drink so much that we just feckin' ferget 'em! 

the irish in all of us

Common Quips

If you're lucky enough to be Irish, you're lucky enough 

........................  

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

........................

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.

........................

Why don't you iron 4-Leaf clovers?
Because you don't want to press your luck.

........................

I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

........................

In heaven there is no beer...
That's why we drink ours here.

........................

I love summer in Ireland. It's my favorite day of the year!

........................ 

McGillicuddy told O'Brien, "One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in December." 

........................

May the roof above you never fall in and those gathered beneath it never fall out. 

........................

May you always have a clean shirt, A clear conscience,
And enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint. 

........................ 

Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you! 

the irish in all of us

Toasts, Cheers & Blessings

Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer and another one!

.......................

May we get what we want,
May we get what we need,
But may we never get what we deserve.

........................

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead. 

........................

Here's to the wine we love to drink, and the food we like to eat.
Here's to our wives and sweethearts, let's pray they never meet.
Here's champagne for our real friends And real pain for our sham friends.
And when this life is over, may all of us find peace.

........................

May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping!

........................

May the winds of fortune sail you,
May you sail a gentle sea.
May it always be the other guy
who says, "this drink's on me." 

........................

May your Guardian Angel be at your side to pick ya up off the floor
and hand ya another cold stout from the store. 

........................

May you never lie, steal, cheat or drink.
But if you must lie, lie in each other's arms.
If you must steal, steal kisses.
If you must cheat, cheat death.
And if you must drink, drink with us, your friends. 

........................

Four blessings upon you...
Older whiskey
Younger women
Faster horses
More money 

........................

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

........................  

May those that love us, love us;
and those that don't love us, may God turn their heart.
If He can't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles,
so we'll know them by their limping. 

........................

It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow
than to spend tonight like there's no money.

........................

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

........................ 

I drink to your health when I’m with you,
I drink to your health when I’m alone,
I drink to your health so often,
I’m starting to worry about my own! 

........................

May your right hand always
Be stretched out in friendship
And never in want. 

........................ 

Here’s to cheating, stealing, fighting, and drinking.
If you cheat, may you cheat death.
If you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart.
If you fight, may you fight for a brother.
And if you drink, may you drink with me. 

the irish in all of us

Lady's Laughs

I'm not the girl your mother warned you about, I'm the Irish woman your mother didn't even think about!

........................

Yes! Let's piss off the Irish girl (said no one ever)!

........................

Irish girls are the sweetest, most beautiful, loving, amazing, evil, psychotic creatures you'll ever meet.

........................

Irish women don't really get angry,
we just get better at brilliantly aggressive sarcasm.

........................

A wise Irishman once said, "I don't know, ask a woman".

........................

Mrs. O'Malley commented at dinner, "It's funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal.

........................

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass. He says: “So what’s bothering you?” She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?” "Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.” 

........................

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

........................

'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.' 

........................

An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.' 

the irish in all of us

Gent's Jokes

I'll have what the man on the floor's having!

........................

Sure, I had the right to remain silent. But I'm Irish. I didn't have the ability.

........................

She follows her husband to the pub and takes a sip of his Guinness and asks him, “How can you come here and drink this awful stuff?” He cries out with a pained look on his face, “And you always said I was out enjoying myself!” 

........................

Pat is a drunk. A priest met him one day, and tells Pat that, if he continues drinking like this, he will slowly get smaller and smaller until he turns into a mouse. This frightens Pat. He goes home that night, and ask his wife, “If you notice me getting smaller and smaller, will you kill the damn cat?”

........................

Kelly woke up around noon feeling deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight and he took them outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one against the wall. Kelly smashed the first bottle swearing, "You are the reason I fight with my wife". As smashed the second bottle he exclaimed, "You are the reason I don't love my children". With the third smashed bottle he said, "You are the reason I don't have a decent job". When Kelly grabbed the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was unopened and full. He hesitated for only a moment and said, "You stand aside, I know you are not to blame".

........................

Little Danny Cahill asked his dad, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" Mr. Cahill thought about it for a moment and replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well son, an alcoholic would see eight." Danny replied, "But Dad, I only see two." 

........................

Pat and Mick are out drinking when Pat falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. "One thing about Pat," Mick says to the bartender. "He knows exactly when to stop." 

........................ 

Mick noticed his friend Danny in the pub, but he was not sitting at his regular booth. Mick inquired, "Danny, why are you sitting at the bar?" "Right," says Danny, "me doctor said that I should watch my drinking. So from now on I'll be drinking at the bar. To be sure, the bar back has a lovely mirror for me to do the watchin'." 

........................

Flynn was overheard in the pub saying, "Christmas lights remind me of my friends. We all hang together, half of us don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright." 

........................

Monaghan announced to the lads at the pub, "I'm giving up alcohol for a month." When his friends looked at him with expressions of disbelief he added, "Wait that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month". 

........................

Murphy got in late from the pub and grabbed something to eat in the kitchen. "You're drunk, aren't you?" Said a disappointed voice from behind him. Murphy replied, "What makes you say that, honey?" “Well for one thing,” replied the woman, “this isn’t your house.” 

........................

O'Connor had a few too many when he saw three obese women come up to the bartender and order some drinks. The man noticed they had strong accents, which grabbed his attention. The women were there for a while and were quite loud and a bit rude. Feeling rather buzzed, O'Connor looked over to the girls and said "Hi, um, are you girls from Scotland?" The largest of the three woman, with a loud, nasty attitude said "It's WALES you idiot!!!" O'Connor apologized with a little slur and said "I'm so sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"

the irish in all of us

Chuggin' Chuckles

An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives and all the martinis drank, he starts to leave. The bartender stops him and asks, “Excuse me but, what was that all about?” The Irishman replies, “My wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”

 ........................

Pat and Murphy out fishing and the boat motor dies. After two days and drifting miles from the coast, they find a bottle in the water. Pat rubs the bottle and a genie poofs out. “I will grant you one wish,” says the genie. Without a thought, Pat says, “I wish to turn the sea into Guinness.” The genie says, “Your wish is my command,” and the sea turns into Guinness. Murphy yells at Pat, “You fool! Now, we’ll have to pee in the boat!” 

........................

Flaherty comes home drunk every evening, upsetting his wife. One night, she dresses as a red devil and hides in the cemetery to scare him when he walks by. Flaherty walks by drunk and his wife jumps up yelling, “Flaherty, if you don’t give up your drinking, you will go to Hell.” Flaherty staggers back and demands, “Who the hell are you?”
She replies, “I’m the devil, you old fool!” Flaherty responds, “Damn glad to meet you, sir, I’m married to your sister.” 

........................

Pat and Mike have been drinking buddies for years. One day, after having a few beers, Mike says to Pat, “We have been friends for years and, if I should die before you, would you do me a favour? I want you to get the best bottle of Irish whiskey and pour it over my grave.” Pat replies, “I would be glad to do that for you, old friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?” 

........................

Danny had been drinking all night at the pub. Mick the bartender finally said that it was closing time and it was time to go home. So Danny stepped off the barstool and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up and again he fell to the floor. So Danny figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he grabbed the lamp post and lifted himself up, took one step and fell flat on his face. So Danny decided to crawl the 2 blocks to his home. When he reached the front door he pulled himself up by the doorknob, opened the door, and again fell flat on his face. Discouraged, he crawled across the floor into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly tumbled into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Danny was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that darling?" Danny asked, putting on an innocent look. "Mick the bartender called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again."

........................

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness. The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone. The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.” Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.” The barman asks: “What do you have?” The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!” 

the irish in all of us

Whiskey Witt

Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.

........................

There is more friendship in a half pint of whiskey than in a churn of buttermilk.

........................

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one." 

........................

Paddy asked, “All right Mr. High and Mighty Medical Expert, if drinking whiskey impairs your short term memory…um, what does drinking whiskey do?” 

 ........................

Flynn was reminiscing about the first time he took his son Paddy out for a drink. They went to the local pub, which is only two blocks from their home. Flynn got him a Guinness. Paddy didn't like it - so Flynn drank it. Then Flynn got him a Smithwick's, Paddy didn't like it either, so Flynn drank it. It was the same with the Harp and the Murphy's. By the time they got through the Irish whiskey, Flynn could hardly push the stroller back home.

........................

Mrs. Mulcahy came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.  Mr. Mulcahy inquired, "Are we expecting guests?"  "No." replied his wife.  "Then why in the world did you buy so much bread?" 

........................

Paddy was in a pub and he is really drunk. Mick the bartender noticed this, so when Paddy asked for another whisky, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. Paddy leaves. He walks out of the pub and in again through the side door and asks Mick for a whisky. A little frustrated, Mick repeats what he told Paddy minutes earlier, but offers to call Paddy a taxi. Again Paddy leaves and re-enters through a further side door, walks up to the bartender and asks for a whiskey. Mick is now quite annoyed, and tells Paddy that he is too drunk to be served and that he needs to leave the pub and to get a ride home. Once more Paddy leaves. Again he staggers back in, this time through the back door. Paddy walks up to the bartender and before he can say a word, Mick explodes at him, "I told you already, you are way too drunk, and you can't have another drink. Get out of this pub!" Disgruntled and confused, Paddy glares at Mick and asks, "Man, how many pubs do you work at?"

........................

A Southern Baptist was seated next to Paddy Irishman on a flight from Ireland.... After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. Paddy asked for a large whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Southern Baptist if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be ravaged by a dozen harlots than let liquor touch my lips.” Hearing this, Paddy handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." 

Tagged:jokes, humor

Add a Comment
« Previous Post